in retrospect

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June 17, 2004

there should be a law

i've been on planes quite a bit lately. i wish i could say it has been all fun and exciting, but unfortunately. it has not.

as i was flying back from cleveland this week, completely exhausted trying to get a little sleep for the first time in what felt like weeks, i concluded that there should be a miss manners for the traveller. and this should be required reading before you can step foot on a plane. now, i don't know anyone that would consider relying on me to be a "miss manners" of anything, but i'm going to get on my sassy horse and lay a few down anyway:

1. don't bring your own peanuts as your snack. why would you do this? they give these to you on the plane. and if you sit next to me, i will gladly give you mine too. personally, i hate the little tiny, insignificant bags of peanuts. i really do. but for some reason when folks get these hot little items in their hands, they rip into them immediately, the peanutty stench fills the cabin and everyone scarfs them down as if it were manna from heaven. now assuming you aren't satisfied, if you ask the flight attendant, they will give you more. really.

2. don't direct your nasty "i'm annoyed" look at the parents of fussy children. save your silent glares for the guy who insists on taking up the entire length of both armrests even though he's sitting in the aisle seat or the woman who crushed your suit coat in the overhead with her shopping bag full of see's candy and "my grandma went to cleveland and all i got was this stupid t-shirt" gifts for the folks back home instead of the poor mother who can't get her 18-month old to stop crying.

planes are loud, cramped and scary places, with nothing to look at (except for all those people glaring at you) and nothing to do. but more importantly, babies don't know how to pop their ears when the altitude changes. i would whine and cry too if i couldn't get my ears to pop. and you know you would too. so cut the kids a break. and the parents too.

3. don't rush the front of the plane the moment it stops moving. I don't understand this strange compulsion. as soon as the plane rolls to a stop, everyone jumps up, flings off their seatbelts, snatching their bags out from under the seat and the overhead compartment to cram into the aisle. and wait for the the door to open. it's not a race folks. this doesn't make things go any faster. everyone just ends up crunched into more compact clumps hunching down in the aisle. elbows bumping heads, rear ends pushing over children and bags shoved into kidneys. it's just silly.

oh, and while we're on the subject, stop and let the folks out of their seats before rushing by. more often than not, you'll just end up knocking over the old lady without even offering to help with her bag. and who wants to be that guy? trust me folks, even if you manage to shave a few minutes off the process by shoving your way off the plane, and racing through the terminal--most of us just end up standing around together waiting for baggage claim to spit out our bags.

it's just like the asshole on the road who honks, swerves, gives you the finger and races around you in his car so he can get next red light. first. then sits there as you pull up and stop right next to him.

4. Yahtzee is NOT a game for the airplane. i don't think this requires explanation.

5. if i have earphones on, i don't want to talk to you. somehow the guy next to me from cleveland didn't get this very simple concept. i don't like to chit chat on planes. i just don't. i don't care where you're from, where you're going, what you do for a living or what you're reading. and i'm not interested in sharing personal information about myself. that's why the earphones are stuffed in my ears. it's my own personal advertisement that i'm not interested in conversation.

so, go chat up that woman across the aisle expectantly looking around the plane for someone to chat with. you know the one. you might recognize her by her matching floral print luggage with the identifying ribbon tied on the handles. she's the one who takes two trips a decade, and both of them are to see her family. she'll have pictures, stories and an endless need to hear all about yours too. i'm not that woman. i have earphones on, i'm reading a book and i don't want to talk. unless of course, you're playing yahtzee. but you probably wouldn't want to talk to me just then.

if anyone has more ground rules for flying, please feel free to contribute. maybe i'll collect and self-publish them then become one of those annoying people at the airport forcing flyers into the hands of unsuspecting travellers.

because you know...folks aren't carrying enough instructional paperwork while they rush through the airport as it is.

Posted by heidijanet at June 17, 2004 06:08 PM

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