« limbo | back to in retrospect | venturing into alien territory »
October 07, 2004
floundering in the deep end
i check my horoscope more than a person who doesn't buy into it really should. most of the time it's silly. lately though, it's started to echo the goings on in my life.
maybe i'm just hungry for someone to tell me what the hell to do today. or give me some notion of what's going to happen. i've always held the belief that the more difficult and inexplicable events become--and logic fails--the more apt we are to look to the mystical forces for some kind of fucking explanation.
on a daily basis i paint a grin on my face and gesticulate my way through my days, filling my vision with distraction hoping no one will notice how lost i find myself most of time. i raise my eyebrows, confidently elbowing my way through the crowds with an air of condescension hoping to fend off any questions or interest in probing me further.
spending a good amount of time rationalizing my isolation finding ways to insert logic into why things happen as they do, and convincing myself that this will somehow make sense. and hoping this will scratch that itchy feeling in the back of my mind that i've created a life i'm uncomfortable in.
then, inevitably logic breaks down. explanation becomes fruitless. connecting becomes impossible. the past rears up on its hind legs and tosses me off my high horse. landing flat on my ass and for a moment getting a glimpse of what i want, and while grateful for the glimpse--saddened by how unprepared i am for actually embracing it.
i wish i could go stand in the shallow end.
Posted by heidijanet at October 7, 2004 11:07 AM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.inretrospect.org/cgi-bin/mt-ping.cgi/180
Comments
Great post...
Posted by: Ariel at October 7, 2004 01:41 PM
Post a comment
Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)
(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)