« September 2004 | Main | November 2004 »
October 31, 2004
all hallow's eve
peek
Originally uploaded by in retrospect.
it's been a long time since i stayed out until 5:30am, it was a fantastic night out in downtown los angeles. good music, great friends, fabulous time.
Posted by heidijanet at 07:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 29, 2004
jab
just lost a game of scrabble by 3 points...to the word jab.
double letter, triple word.
insult to injury.
Posted by heidijanet at 11:09 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 26, 2004
perceive
i love synchronicity, on my way into work this morning i spent most of the way in thinking about misguided perceptions. that we have of ourselves, and of others. ariel posted some well-articulated thoughts on some of the same issues that have been keeping me awake during my daily commute.
feeling inferior--or conversely, feeling indimidated by others--is in my humble opinion one of the most insidious human tendencies. i've listened to repeated "observations", that i come off as intimidating. sharp around the edges. detached. condescending. recently, i've even been called mean.
i've had more than my fair share of backhanded compliments along the lines of, "wow i never really understood why (insert such and such mutual friend) were so over the moon, but now i get it." or "gosh, now the more i get to know you better, the more i like you." and who knows how many people never even bother getting to know me in the first place.
i've always believed that we often become so absorbed with how we appear to others, we don't stop to realize that people aren't really thinking about us at all...they're too concerned about what others think of them.
but perhaps it shouldn't be overlooked that being self-aware is not the same as being self-absorbed. we all make snap judgements based upon our perceptions of others, not even bothering to consider that our perceptions might be flawed. and people are making snap judgements about us all the time.
for example, what i might consider passionate banter of a subject, is actually perceived as opinionated and condescending by innocent bystanders dragged into the discussion. what looks like disinterest to others, is really debilitating shyness or fear to me. due to my raucous laugh, impulsive and impatient nature, people don't expect to find me easily wounded or frustratingly introverted in unfamiliar social situations.
i agree with ariel's assertion, we should be able to admire one another, from our own pedestal, instead of feeling intimidated--or even worse, jealous--forcing others off the pedestals we placed them on in the first place.
i refuse to spend a lot of energy trying to climb down the pedestal of someone else's construct, nor am i going to try to change someone's mind that has decided that i don't measure up.
but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break a little every time i realize that i've likely missed out on something really fantastic at the hand of misguided perception.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:47 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
lick me
yesterday chatting with a co-worker who was flipping through a magazine, reading an article about a hershey-run spa that offers chocolate spa treatments.
"well now who licks it off?" i playfully suggested.
he snickered wicked, and we pontificated about different food treatments etc etc. but it was the mention of honey and it's unique downside that actually completely grossed me out.
i'm not really a creative food kind of girl, it generates spontaneous and irrepresible giggling, grossout face-covering on my part.
so i walked into my office only to discover this.
i have wicked, sadistic friends.
*giggleblush*
Posted by heidijanet at 09:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 25, 2004
there's a first time for everything.
my roommate burst into the house and blurted, "talk me out of it!"
"i rarely try to talk anyone out of anything, but talk you out of what?"
"i want to make a bootie call. but i've never done that...which makes me kind of want to", she plops down on the couch vibrating nervous and very tightly wound.
all i can do is smirk.
she disappears for a minute, in her room, and trots back out giggling like a maniac.
"so i did it! and guess what he said?"
what. i'm on pins and needles. really.
"he said that he wants to be at the gym by 10, so will you be done with me by then?"
heh. i'm so proud.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 24, 2004
er...
after an evening of discussing my roommate's most recent quandry over a boy.
"i'm not sure what to do, i have a decision to make" she whines, "i don't want to end up fucking myself."
in my infinite wisdom, "well honey, either you're fucking yourself, or someone else is fucking with you, so take your pick."
"what about trying to pursue a healthy relationship?"
*perplexed stare*
Posted by heidijanet at 11:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 20, 2004
groan
after slogging through a week of 95 degree, humidity-soaked san antonio, texas i am relieved to have finally made it back home.
the whole week was a miserable transition from oppressive heat outside, to 50 degree meat locker meeting rooms inside, then on to my smoking room--which despite my periodic consumption of cigarettes i NEVER, EVER get a smoking room, but nothing else was available. there are few things i dislike more than the smell of stale cigarette smoke. (this is ironic, i know. i also have a deep dislike of cathair. as the guardian of two cats, i can't figure out this logic either.)
at any rate it was like sleeping in an ashtray for 4 days, so i never got more than a couple of hours of sleep a night which has resulted in a deeply bad attitude.
so returning home, i crawl out of the cab with my luggage, walk to the front door of my house, and realize that because my roommate dropped me at the airport, i had forgotten to pack my keys. i am now locked. out. of my. own. house.
grumble. grumble. grumble.
so, thanks to wireless access it's possible for me to sit in my rain-soaked front yard and share my misery with you until my roommate gets home. and lets my cranky ass back in the house.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:16 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 16, 2004
lost lost.
my mother loves to tell this story. when i was very small, maybe three years old, my mother and her girlfriend were sitting in the front seat of the car, i was sitting in the backseat with my sister suzette. we were on our way to tahoe, and we'd managed to get lost.
my mother's friend had the map out and was trying to figure out where the hell we were and how to get where we were going. she kept repeating, "oh, if only i could just find my bearings. i just can't get my bearings!"
finally, throwing up my arms exasperated i chimed in from the back of the car, "well, where did you put them?!"
in retrospect, i think that was an excellent question.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
plane observations
i've been on the road quite a bit recently. seattle, chicago, san francisco, vegas. coming up san antonio, vegas, phoenix, vegas.
i don't mind the travel, it's a nice way to break up the days/weeks. but i do get tired of living out of a suitcase. and i'm really starting to dislike airports. the process of getting on a plane has just become so tedious.
i'm that traveler that is forced to use 4 bins and a bowl to get through the xray machine. i've learned to pull off my shoes, unwind my scarf, pull 2 laptops out of my carry on and drop my watch and bracelet into the bowl with smooth efficiency. so you'd think that a girl like me would know to think ahead.
on my last pass through the vegas xray machine. i was similarly equipped, however i was wearing a thin white t-shirt (read: sheer) under my denim jacket, which um...well let's just say i wasn't thinking ahead all the way to the airport.
as i approached the xray technician, he politely requested that i remove my jacket. i replied that he really didn't want me to do that. he assured me that oh yes, he certainly did.
my co-worker just about collapsed in fits of laughter as i unzipped my "jacket", tossed it on the belt, and shimmied through the xray machine in my heels, skirt and see-through top. and not much, um else.
i figured if you find yourself indecently exposed there's no point in trying to be inconspicuous.
*shaking head*
Posted by heidijanet at 04:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 14, 2004
125 pound weakling
i have a new japanese teapot, so i've been making an effort to use it more. i have loose green tea i picked up at a japanese market in a chrome canister with a latch.
but it'd been so long since i opened it, i couldn't pry the damn thing open. as i grunted, whined and pulled at the lid my roommate walked in the kitchen. i whine at her, "i caaaan't OPEN this!"
she takes it out of my hand, and pops the top right off. "how did you DO that?" i ask.
"strong like bull."
HA! if i lived alone i'm fairly certain i'd starve to death.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 10, 2004
venturing into alien territory
i ventured east of the 405 today with my friend daniela. we actually made it all the way over to melrose--where she discovered a pair of $10 sunglasses that she happily swapped for her D&G sunglasses.
it's been years since i've ventured down melrose on foot. the first time was while visiting my ex when he first moved to los angeles. i remember flying down from sf, meeting him for lunch as my dressed up, pale as a ghost, cropped hair, black and denim, scarved self sat snickering away at the suntanned, bubblegum platform heeled traffic thinking that there's no way i'd never fit in here.
this time, however, either i've acclimated or melrose has become distinctly more retro-punk and less bubblegum--cuz i kind of dug it. in spite of the fact that there were a surprising number of stores with almost identical merchandise--with only slight variations in the front window.
art installations lined up on the sidewalk of burned and twisted lampposts, garbage cans and chained up bicycles, left me wishing i had a much better camera.
and on top of that, i serendipitously uncovered my halloween cosume at aardvarks, for the fifth year in a row. i'll be heading up to san francisco this year, so that makes my holiday plans that much more exciting.
overall it was a great sunday, inspiring a vow to uncover more of los angeles' neigborhoods. it's time i stopped secretly feeling that by hoveling out in the west side--it will make it feel less like i actually live here.
since it looks like i'll be sticking around a little longer.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 07, 2004
floundering in the deep end
i check my horoscope more than a person who doesn't buy into it really should. most of the time it's silly. lately though, it's started to echo the goings on in my life.
maybe i'm just hungry for someone to tell me what the hell to do today. or give me some notion of what's going to happen. i've always held the belief that the more difficult and inexplicable events become--and logic fails--the more apt we are to look to the mystical forces for some kind of fucking explanation.
on a daily basis i paint a grin on my face and gesticulate my way through my days, filling my vision with distraction hoping no one will notice how lost i find myself most of time. i raise my eyebrows, confidently elbowing my way through the crowds with an air of condescension hoping to fend off any questions or interest in probing me further.
spending a good amount of time rationalizing my isolation finding ways to insert logic into why things happen as they do, and convincing myself that this will somehow make sense. and hoping this will scratch that itchy feeling in the back of my mind that i've created a life i'm uncomfortable in.
then, inevitably logic breaks down. explanation becomes fruitless. connecting becomes impossible. the past rears up on its hind legs and tosses me off my high horse. landing flat on my ass and for a moment getting a glimpse of what i want, and while grateful for the glimpse--saddened by how unprepared i am for actually embracing it.
i wish i could go stand in the shallow end.
Posted by heidijanet at 11:07 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 05, 2004
limbo
back. from a week in seattle. asbmr. 8 hours a day on the tradeshow floor. handing out stress balls and coffee mugs. it was incredibly informative, and also entertaining to see hordes of overeducated, absolutely brilliant physicians, researchers and professors stampeding the booth for a little white stress ball.
also had the opportunity to spend a little time with some of my favorite people in seattle, ariel, andreas and joshua.
some people have a gift for lifting your load and shifting your perspective. in a good way.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack