in retrospect

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November 05, 2004

beast of burden

i had the strangest dream this morning. i woke up around 3am, which has become a frustrating nightly pattern for the last couple of weeks.

just to put this into context, my instincts have been firing off alarms at my psyche for about two months now. it started sometime in late july/early august as a nagging feeling that the tide was changing somehow--but with everything going so well in my life, i casually brushed it aside like a buzzing fly around my head.

then slowly i started down a path of going out less and less, diminishing enthusiasm at work, more and more time spent up into the wee hours of the morning, not so much mind racing as blank confusion. i know this sounds awfully vague, but it IS vague.

so this week i've begun to wake up suddenly around 3am and i just lie there, mind wandering. i can't help but suspect it's an alarm of some kind. now this happens from time to time...but i ususally manage to resolve it or figure it out. this time, i just don't know.

so, going back to my dream. it's just a regular day littered with meetings, phone calls and other usual activities. then at some point i found myself in an open space behind a building. it resembled a home, but it was an office building where i was working, situated a few miles off the coast. out of nowhere, the ocean surf surged in from the coast washing all kinds of random objects and people around where i was standing. now, the details are a little fuzzy on how the next thing happened, but suddenly i'm trudging across the sand deposited around the building by the rogue surf, back into to the office with a emaciated, helpless, seemingly terminally-ill man in my arms.

his thin bony arms and legs were wrapped tightly around my body and he gazed up into my eyes blank and lethargic as i walked with incredible difficulty. i was also having a really hard time keeping a good hold on him. but it was clear that putting him down was not an option. for some reason i was charged with carrying this man around indefinitely.

the rest of the dream was pretty ordinary, me looking for my car in the parking lot, going out with friends, shopping for groceries, crossing the street...boring regular life stuff...all with this sick and helpless guy in my arms.

i became more and more tired, and simple everyday things became harder and harder to accomplish. i began to feel self-conscious that people would start treating me differently with a strange man in my arms...then i woke up.

i'm not sure what to think of it, but it's another one those dreams that's been bothering me all day.

Posted by heidijanet at November 5, 2004 01:32 PM

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