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July 18, 2006
wild-eyed and desperate
i can't sleep.
at least not through the night. and it's transforming me into an irrational emotional frustrated creature that can't focus or keep a single thought in my head.
i've never had trouble getting myself to sleep. ever. i've always been one to rest my weary head, and slide easily into a deep slumber that not a freight train nor a window-shaking bass-playing roommate could disturb.
yet for the last month or so, like clockwork, i spring wide awake around 3am. and i lie there. helpless. and sleepless. watching the sun creep up over the horizon and into my bedroom window while i silently curse the passing of time as i am present for every single sleepless moment of it.
now granted i've been getting itchy again lately. not sure the why or the what of it yet, but definitely getting itchy.
maybe as you approach the middle of your life, you no longer can wander around in the seemingly infinite space of time fucking around making mistakes, attempting this and that just to see what will happen.
or maybe in the middle of your life when you spend too much time overanalyzing and thinking about the passage of time, your mind starts screaming out of sheer frustration.
that's enough to keep a person up at night.
Posted by heidijanet at 07:26 AM | Comments (0)
July 13, 2006
back in touch
Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright on women in power: "I'm not a person who thinks the world would be entirely different if it was run by women. If you think that, you've forgotten what high school was like." [via salon]
it has become painfully clear to me (again), how in many cases women can be far more cruel than our male counterparts.
i've spent most of my life surrounded by male playmates as a child, mostly male friends as an adolescent to primarily working and socializing among men as an adult.
interestingly enough, over the last few years in los angeles, i've attempted to reverse that pattern by surrounding myself with women believing that i needed more women in my life. to mixed results.
i touched on this subject before as i struggled to "overcome" this tendency and find some kind of balance.
while there are a handful of dear, dear women on whom i have come to rely for my sanity, perspective and general well-being unlike any other time in my life, i find myself harshly reminded why i have historically surrounded myself with men.
since then, i've come to realize that this is not a thing to be overcome, but embraced.
and i resolve to do so in the future.
Posted by heidijanet at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)