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February 25, 2007
handcuffed to you hugh
yet another use for handcuffs i hadn't thought of:
clever girl.
Posted by heidijanet at 04:19 PM | Comments (0)
February 19, 2007
standing on wobbly legs
i've dated as rarely as humanly possible -- too pleased with my impervious shield of post-heartbreak self-sufficiency to risk weakening it.
- rebecca traister, salon.com
over lunch the other day with a friend, the subject of my love life came up again. i quietly tiptoed into the dating scene recently, partially under duress and partially out of a growing suspicion that my overanalyzations and uncompromising perspective might be evolving from a useful filter to weed out the faint of heart...into a brick wall.
i'm a little awkward after years of brandishing a cavalier attitude toward dating, only engaging at a superficial level while shaking my head at the eye-batting simpering sweetly smiling women who set my teeth on edge.
in contrast, i've deliberately been a tough approach in social settings, if anyone managed to get through the first armory of the raised eyebrow or cutting remark they often found themselves dancing across a minefield of aggressive verbal banter, practical jokes, sudden bursts of (un)emotional bravado quickly followed by an unexpected disappearing act.
or as my dear friend D describes it: "i've watching heidi behead men in bars for years now."
those close enough to me to actually witness what's going on behind the scenes are constantly advising, interjecting and intervening with admonishments along the lines of "just be nice, heidi and let them get to know the heidi we all know and love."
of course if anyone suspects that i've metamorphasized into a simpering flower peeking out from under fluttering lashes, rest assured that i'm still going too fast, my bravado flares periodically, the eyebrow raises and the stink eye flashes across my face--but i'm quick to recognize these outbreaks and reach out to smooth my skirt quickly with a grin and an apology.
i'm starting to let other people see the side of me that lights up a little when i talk about what i did last night or blushes when caught daydreaming, but it's more than just a little uncomfortable.
as i dance along the fine blade of adjustment without compromise, i wonder at what point the lid i've placed on my natural inclination might burst off and my emotional self-destructiveness will present itself in all of its proud and unflinching glory.
will it be that moment when i confess a quirk, and get "oh my god, you are totally like a guy! what have i gotten myself into?"
and while i'm inclined to the irrational response, "yeah, i've heard that before...erm..." and then promptly bolting for the door with my defiance trailing behind me. instead i just smile sweetly and nod agreeably and quietly hope for the best.
for now, anyway.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:07 AM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2007
it's not that bad
so today in a meeting, the subject of vday came up, and i made a snide comment about valentine's day and my inclination to vacillate between apathy and disdain for the greeting card holiday.
this sparked a dialogue between a colleague (and also a close friend) and another colleague who expressed surprise at my snarky cynicism. this was the exchange that followed on the typical pattern of my rare and often ill-advised dalliances:
colleague: wow, i never would have expected that...
me: (hemming and hawing) yeah i don't even really get involved that often and when i do...well...
colleague: what happens?
friend/colleague: um...have you ever seen heidi eat bacon? (he then pantomimed some kind of messy devouring of said foodstuff, followed by the onset of mild indigestion)
me: yes, well...erm...can we move on?
after which my dear friend sent out this as visual aid.
not that bad
Originally uploaded by in retrospect.
Posted by heidijanet at 03:49 PM | Comments (0)
February 13, 2007
meaningless hack
so on friday, someone hacked into my web server and replaced the index page with an triumphant message against a black background accompanied by ominous background music. which would have been totally amusing if it wasn't so annoying. now there are all kinds of little glitches with my publishing features and other annoying little things while i fix things here and there.
the thing i can't figure, is why anyone would bother to hack a site that receives double digit daily traffic, mostly from extended friends and family, and is updated with such infrequency it can hardly be worth anyone's effort.
at any rate it's all (mostly) fixed now, and my 22 friends that stop by to see what might be new can go back to holding your breath for the next update. :)
Posted by heidijanet at 08:16 PM | Comments (0)
February 05, 2007
i resolve.
my resolution this year was pretty simple--lower my expectations to zero and see what happens.
upon relaying this to a friend the response was a resounding, "that's a good one for you! i give it a week."
which was a well placed observation. it's more than a little difficult to change your nature in one fail swoop. it was working fairly well there for a while, but with no small amount of effort.
and frankly, the new year so far has treated me fairly well. not without just a little bit of rough treatment. i have a bruise on my wrist from a game of air hockey that went just a little awry. i managed to allow my hairdresser to have fun with copper--to mixed results and at la'vie l'orange i selected a shade of red for my toes that borders right on the edge of trashy. which given recent history ranks right there on the bottom of the list of things to worry my little head about.
so, tonight i took a small moment to stand barefooted in the middle of my kitchen in a rare moment of contentedness in gratitude of the moment.
and then managed to break it down with a little sleuthiness combined with curiosity that has always been my downfall.
maybe i should add a little less introspection, heed the advice against idle hands, oh and while i'm at it neuter my natural inclination and instincts altogether.
then gloat to my dear friend, i made it a whole month.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:38 PM | Comments (0)