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February 19, 2007
standing on wobbly legs
i've dated as rarely as humanly possible -- too pleased with my impervious shield of post-heartbreak self-sufficiency to risk weakening it.
- rebecca traister, salon.com
over lunch the other day with a friend, the subject of my love life came up again. i quietly tiptoed into the dating scene recently, partially under duress and partially out of a growing suspicion that my overanalyzations and uncompromising perspective might be evolving from a useful filter to weed out the faint of heart...into a brick wall.
i'm a little awkward after years of brandishing a cavalier attitude toward dating, only engaging at a superficial level while shaking my head at the eye-batting simpering sweetly smiling women who set my teeth on edge.
in contrast, i've deliberately been a tough approach in social settings, if anyone managed to get through the first armory of the raised eyebrow or cutting remark they often found themselves dancing across a minefield of aggressive verbal banter, practical jokes, sudden bursts of (un)emotional bravado quickly followed by an unexpected disappearing act.
or as my dear friend D describes it: "i've watching heidi behead men in bars for years now."
those close enough to me to actually witness what's going on behind the scenes are constantly advising, interjecting and intervening with admonishments along the lines of "just be nice, heidi and let them get to know the heidi we all know and love."
of course if anyone suspects that i've metamorphasized into a simpering flower peeking out from under fluttering lashes, rest assured that i'm still going too fast, my bravado flares periodically, the eyebrow raises and the stink eye flashes across my face--but i'm quick to recognize these outbreaks and reach out to smooth my skirt quickly with a grin and an apology.
i'm starting to let other people see the side of me that lights up a little when i talk about what i did last night or blushes when caught daydreaming, but it's more than just a little uncomfortable.
as i dance along the fine blade of adjustment without compromise, i wonder at what point the lid i've placed on my natural inclination might burst off and my emotional self-destructiveness will present itself in all of its proud and unflinching glory.
will it be that moment when i confess a quirk, and get "oh my god, you are totally like a guy! what have i gotten myself into?"
and while i'm inclined to the irrational response, "yeah, i've heard that before...erm..." and then promptly bolting for the door with my defiance trailing behind me. instead i just smile sweetly and nod agreeably and quietly hope for the best.
for now, anyway.
Posted by heidijanet at February 19, 2007 09:07 AM
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