March 19, 2007
perspective
every once in a while an exchange occurs that shifts your perspective a little. or opens up a perspective that you already hold. either way, it is enlightening.
as many of you know, i broke my back a couple of years ago with some poor judgement involving a boy, a polo pony and biting off just a wee bit more than i could chew. that combined with an incident with a head-on collision and shattered ankle that left me a wee gimpy but proud of my progress.
since that time, i've had a lot of trouble with irksome numbness in my extremities, weakness, soreness etc. but nothing incredibly incapacitating. mostly just bothersome, and frankly has opened up a startlingly easy access to painkillers and muscle relaxants. but that's a completely different rant for later.
so this morning, i happen down the hall at work and encounter a gentleman who is two offices down who is a legend at amgen. he works in governmnet affairs, but has been at amgen so long and is so engaged at work and at home and cultivates relationships with people that are long-lasting and fantastic that i have made it a goal to emulate his approach.
he's a licensed massage therapist, actively involved in rheumatoid arthritis work, participating in the annual Amgen California Coast Classic Bike ride raising money for research for RA, he maintains one of the largest server farms for SETI and is a devout mac user.
when he spied my little 12" powerbook he marched right in and we had a long discussion about apple cultism. when he realized that i had no powercord at work, he mentioned that he has about 12 macs at home and thinks he has one to spare that might help me out. and i'll be gosh-darned if he didn't immediately drive home and grab a power cord for me to use in my office. amazing guy.
well this morning i ran into him hobbling down the hall with a tall walking stick--and i asked him if he was okay. he said his back had gone out AGAIN. happens from time to time.
i started to comiserate with my pathetic story about my wee compression fracture from my misadventure in palm springs...which was quickly reframed when he related that he was blown up in vietnam and obliterated his L4 and L5 and was told he likely never walk again. boy did he prove them wrong! he announced. and for the record, he has proved most of us wrong just by setting the bar a wee bit higher than your average joe.
then he quietly relayed that the 12 men in his unit were killed in that blast and really if you think about it, things turned out pretty well. in retrospect.
now for the record, i'm not one to be quick to judge the level of pain or struggle in life. we all struggle in our own way with the shit that life deals out from time to time.
if you begin down the path of, "well, you know that's hard i understand, but if you heard about my friend that **insert really incredibly difficult life-changing trauma in which your insignificant struggle pales in comparison here**, you would feel much better."
only to find your back against the brick wall of how bad things could be but goddamn it, i'm still pathetically struggling with my little issue here. and for the underdeveloped and unchallenged these kinds of things seem pretty rough.
then i hear about the one-legged soccer player who gets out on the field and hop kicks a ton of ass out there on the field and LOVES IT. or the Iraq War vetran who has lost a leg and is out placing in the iron man. or my friend down the hall who is hobbling today, but most days is kicking my ass every day with unmatched class and generosity against a backdrop of a rich, tough layered history of challenges.
and quietly reminds me. there are many depths to face head on with grace and fierce determination.
and reminds me that i certainly have a lot to learn. about challenge. about grace. and fierce determination.
thanks jeff.
Posted by heidijanet at 10:53 PM | Comments (1)
February 19, 2007
standing on wobbly legs
i've dated as rarely as humanly possible -- too pleased with my impervious shield of post-heartbreak self-sufficiency to risk weakening it.
- rebecca traister, salon.com
over lunch the other day with a friend, the subject of my love life came up again. i quietly tiptoed into the dating scene recently, partially under duress and partially out of a growing suspicion that my overanalyzations and uncompromising perspective might be evolving from a useful filter to weed out the faint of heart...into a brick wall.
i'm a little awkward after years of brandishing a cavalier attitude toward dating, only engaging at a superficial level while shaking my head at the eye-batting simpering sweetly smiling women who set my teeth on edge.
in contrast, i've deliberately been a tough approach in social settings, if anyone managed to get through the first armory of the raised eyebrow or cutting remark they often found themselves dancing across a minefield of aggressive verbal banter, practical jokes, sudden bursts of (un)emotional bravado quickly followed by an unexpected disappearing act.
or as my dear friend D describes it: "i've watching heidi behead men in bars for years now."
those close enough to me to actually witness what's going on behind the scenes are constantly advising, interjecting and intervening with admonishments along the lines of "just be nice, heidi and let them get to know the heidi we all know and love."
of course if anyone suspects that i've metamorphasized into a simpering flower peeking out from under fluttering lashes, rest assured that i'm still going too fast, my bravado flares periodically, the eyebrow raises and the stink eye flashes across my face--but i'm quick to recognize these outbreaks and reach out to smooth my skirt quickly with a grin and an apology.
i'm starting to let other people see the side of me that lights up a little when i talk about what i did last night or blushes when caught daydreaming, but it's more than just a little uncomfortable.
as i dance along the fine blade of adjustment without compromise, i wonder at what point the lid i've placed on my natural inclination might burst off and my emotional self-destructiveness will present itself in all of its proud and unflinching glory.
will it be that moment when i confess a quirk, and get "oh my god, you are totally like a guy! what have i gotten myself into?"
and while i'm inclined to the irrational response, "yeah, i've heard that before...erm..." and then promptly bolting for the door with my defiance trailing behind me. instead i just smile sweetly and nod agreeably and quietly hope for the best.
for now, anyway.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:07 AM | Comments (0)
April 24, 2006
baby steps
my sister and i are very close. we talk almost every day, and every once in a while have marathon conversations hashing out our deep-seated childhood issues, our ideas about relationships, religion, child rearing and often, haircuts.
my sister has a love/hate relationship with her hair. each time she ventures out to her inevitably new hairstylist, it's cause for a major discussion. curly? straight? bangs? layers? short? long? the laundry list of considerations is fairly extensive and frankly, exhausting. now, this may sound like an insignificant topic, but trust me this is a major issue we've been working through for years.
so over the weekend, i mentioned that i had my hair cut, and was very happy with the results. she remarked dejectedly that she wished that she could have that with her hair.
so i launched into an in-depth analysis about how i'd been with my stylist for almost two years, and that it wasn't always that good. as a matter of fact in the beginning of our relationship, i asked him to cut off all my shoulder-length, blonde hair and color it brown. which was a pretty daunting place to start a relationship.
from there it was a careful process of getting the color and the cut right as it grew out. inevitably it was too ashy, too light, not natural enough...i was frustrated and almost left him several times, but i knew he was talented and gave a great cut so i stuck with him. and over time he and i finally got to place where he knew what i liked, and we started having some fun with it.
as i related this story, in an effort to get suz to stop switching stylists every visit, inevitably getting caught cheating on one stylist with another and having to hide behind the counter (which is, strangely enough, a woman's worst fear in a salon) she should really consider trying to develop a relationship over time with one good stylist with potential.
then i paused for a minute grinned widely and asked, "now how is it that i can manage to develop a healthy relationship with my stylist, but am completely unable to manage this in my relationships?"
she replied, "baby steps."
Posted by heidijanet at 12:33 PM | Comments (0)
April 17, 2006
euphemism of the day. or year.
after a particularly animated rant about how a particular thing should be handled this afternoon, which sounded oh so very elegant and logical to me, a colleague smiled at me and quietly shook her head.
i asked her what she was smiling at, she replied,"you're so cute when you're being naive."
which gave me pause while i thought for a minute and shot back, "well, now i know why i'm so frigging bummed out half the time. it's that my expectations are way up here (holding hand above head) and what actually occurs is down here (holding hand below knees). it's the chronic and debilitating disappointment of it all."
she smiles again, "oh no, it just that you are not necessarily constrained by reality. and that's a good thing."
mmmm. not sure about that.
Posted by heidijanet at 06:12 PM | Comments (0)
March 31, 2005
choices
"there are no answers, only choices."
- (i don't remember)
ariel's commentary on the choices we make in our lives, and the profound impact they have on the course of our lives, struck a chord.
i've put a lot of thought into this subject. over the years i have learned some interesting lessons. probably the most important lesson that i have learned is that there is an order to the universe. every choice we make, the large and seemngly tiny, have a profound impact on the course of our lives. and more often than not, the impact of these choices are not felt for months, if not years after we've made them.
i think this is something everyone learns for themselves. well...maybe not everyone, but the lucky ones do. no one can teach this. at least i don't think so.
i look back on the choices i made in my early twenties, and am amazed at how they are affecting my life just now.
i recently had a change in my role at work (for the better) that has me doing some truly exciting work. i have the distinct sense this is a unique and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. reflecting on some of the most severe challenges in my career, moments when i've wondered why the hell i was working so damn hard. this is why. these opportunites that come along when you aren't looking or expecting them, but the tiny choices made that were made years ago made it possible.
but i never forget, how quickly things can turn. last night for example, after spending the day at an off-site where i looked around the room at the people i work with review the plans for the next 1-3 years and all the exciting opportunities in front of us, and i just couldn't quite believe my good fortune.
on my way home i was stopped at a light waiting to turn left onto abbot kinney and a couple of cars were stopped waiting behind me. the third or fourth approaching car (i couldn't tell which) attempted some complicated maneuver and slammed into the cars behind me and crushed every single car in front of it.
except mine.
i'm very lucky. but i've learned, it can all change in an instant.
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February 16, 2005
selectively optimistic
i've developed a crush. the kind of adolescent crush in which the other person likely doesn't have a clue. i first realized this yesterday. there's been a distinct furrow in my brow ever since.
then, a girlfriend of mine admitted she had developed a crush on someone. and i was tickled for her. weird that when your girlfriend admits a crush, your first reaction is "yay!" accompanied with a little jig of delight.
however, when i admit to myself that i have a crush on someone...my first reaction is "oh crap."
Posted by heidijanet at 01:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 20, 2004
who was that girl?
when i was nineteen years old, i had just moved back from the east coast and to utah, where i had poorly thought-out plans to head back to school, get my degree and do...something.
well i ran into the small problem of, well, money. so a girlfriend and i decided to get jobs. we headed up to the slopes and landed jobs at snowbird, working as what was affectionately known as liftie scum. i drove my 1972 bronco up to little cottonwood canyon every morning at the crack of dawn to help tourists and locals on and off the lifts all day long in sub-zero weather. i shovelled snow, skied in hip-deep powder, reprimanded unruly snowboarders, snuck my way into the bar at 4:30 in the afternoon to illegally down $2 pitchers of michelob with my friends, then headed right back down the mountain to manage a pizza restaurant four days a week.
even with all this it was still barely enough to cover the gas to get me back and forth (granted it was at eight miles to the gallon, but gas was cheap and i was oblivious), cover my tiny little studio rented for a whopping $230 a month and cover my phone bill. thank god i had unlimited access to pizza dough, chopped mushrooms, ham, peppers and other condiment-like items because i had nothing in the fridge except milk to mix with the cereal that i stored in my oven.
i never seemed to get tired, rarely got sick, didn't feel lonely or spend a single moment fussing about what i was doing with my life or where the hell i was headed.
i was the kind of girl who laughed so loud it echoed in the canyon, and long lost friends could identify me a half-mile away. when a telemarketer called to tell me i won a giant prize--all i had to do was pony up $29.95--i believed them. i drove 60 miles an hour up the two-lane winding canyon road passing slow, silly californians chunking along with chains on their tires without thinking a moment about my mortality. i trailed (far) behind members of the us ski team kerplunking over moguls that could have (and frankly should have) torn me in two, laughing all the way down.
i didn't think about politics, taxes, car payments, deadlines, budgets, where to have dinner, whether or not to head home for the holidays, what my parents thought, what my friends thought, and i never hesitated fearing a broken heart before falling in love. and i never thought that time would really, pass.
nights like tonight feeling worn down, sick, overworked and a little stressed out with all these things weighing on me...i miss that girl. a lot.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:14 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
November 05, 2004
beast of burden
i had the strangest dream this morning. i woke up around 3am, which has become a frustrating nightly pattern for the last couple of weeks.
just to put this into context, my instincts have been firing off alarms at my psyche for about two months now. it started sometime in late july/early august as a nagging feeling that the tide was changing somehow--but with everything going so well in my life, i casually brushed it aside like a buzzing fly around my head.
then slowly i started down a path of going out less and less, diminishing enthusiasm at work, more and more time spent up into the wee hours of the morning, not so much mind racing as blank confusion. i know this sounds awfully vague, but it IS vague.
so this week i've begun to wake up suddenly around 3am and i just lie there, mind wandering. i can't help but suspect it's an alarm of some kind. now this happens from time to time...but i ususally manage to resolve it or figure it out. this time, i just don't know.
so, going back to my dream. it's just a regular day littered with meetings, phone calls and other usual activities. then at some point i found myself in an open space behind a building. it resembled a home, but it was an office building where i was working, situated a few miles off the coast. out of nowhere, the ocean surf surged in from the coast washing all kinds of random objects and people around where i was standing. now, the details are a little fuzzy on how the next thing happened, but suddenly i'm trudging across the sand deposited around the building by the rogue surf, back into to the office with a emaciated, helpless, seemingly terminally-ill man in my arms.
his thin bony arms and legs were wrapped tightly around my body and he gazed up into my eyes blank and lethargic as i walked with incredible difficulty. i was also having a really hard time keeping a good hold on him. but it was clear that putting him down was not an option. for some reason i was charged with carrying this man around indefinitely.
the rest of the dream was pretty ordinary, me looking for my car in the parking lot, going out with friends, shopping for groceries, crossing the street...boring regular life stuff...all with this sick and helpless guy in my arms.
i became more and more tired, and simple everyday things became harder and harder to accomplish. i began to feel self-conscious that people would start treating me differently with a strange man in my arms...then i woke up.
i'm not sure what to think of it, but it's another one those dreams that's been bothering me all day.
Posted by heidijanet at 01:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 03, 2004
i agree. with me.
reading through post-election analysis over at salon, i stumbled across an article illuminating the very issue that i was pondering around 3am lying in my bed sleepless and disturbed by the election results.
as an information junkie of enormous porportions digging daily through the news, listening to NPR all the way into work and all the way home, while persistently checking in at metafilter, salon, various web logs and performing countless random online queries for everything from the name of an actor i can't place after watching an obscure film to wondering why water always swirls in the same direction while headed down the drain. and along with everyone else in the country--learning as much about the candidates for this election as possible.
i spent several months assuming that the most emailed stories over at yahoo were an indication of what folks were paying attention to. i got tangled up in the thinking that endorsements for Kerry by The New Yorker (endorsing a candidate for the 1st time in history), The Washinton Post, Chicago Sun-Times, The New York Times, The San Francisco Chronicle and the Seattle Times (who endorsed Bush last time)would sway the minds of voters. i was certain that revelations of incompetence, draft dodging, 9/11 exploiting, finger pointing (and finger flipping), war-mongering, and even outright lying would count for something.
i spent lots and lots of time laughing and agreeing with information sources mostly because...well the information also agreed with me.
then a couple of weeks ago i decided to poke around the bush re-election site and while disgusted by its negativity, undaunted i proceeded to dig through every article, several speeches, links to party-line press...and started feeling a little disconcerted. i remarked to a friend that night that even though i couldn't stand bush, i was beginning to think he would actually win. my friend responded with a frightened gasp, "oh no! don't say that!"
recoiling from the thought, i rushed back into the arms of my like-minded information sources, reinforcing my sense of hope and optimism for the outcome of the election.
i never expected that the 18-34 year old voters, wouldn't show up at the polls. i didn't think that a majority of the population would care more about preventing gay marriage, than preventing an unjustified invasion of a country. i thought that certainly people would understand that costs to our envirmonment might be more critical to us than the cost of oil. but feeding myself my own rhetoric, and only giving weight to the information that agreed with me, left me feeling disillusioned and disappointed. and more than a little helpless.
it's not the first time. and i'm certain it won't be the last.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:42 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
October 26, 2004
perceive
i love synchronicity, on my way into work this morning i spent most of the way in thinking about misguided perceptions. that we have of ourselves, and of others. ariel posted some well-articulated thoughts on some of the same issues that have been keeping me awake during my daily commute.
feeling inferior--or conversely, feeling indimidated by others--is in my humble opinion one of the most insidious human tendencies. i've listened to repeated "observations", that i come off as intimidating. sharp around the edges. detached. condescending. recently, i've even been called mean.
i've had more than my fair share of backhanded compliments along the lines of, "wow i never really understood why (insert such and such mutual friend) were so over the moon, but now i get it." or "gosh, now the more i get to know you better, the more i like you." and who knows how many people never even bother getting to know me in the first place.
i've always believed that we often become so absorbed with how we appear to others, we don't stop to realize that people aren't really thinking about us at all...they're too concerned about what others think of them.
but perhaps it shouldn't be overlooked that being self-aware is not the same as being self-absorbed. we all make snap judgements based upon our perceptions of others, not even bothering to consider that our perceptions might be flawed. and people are making snap judgements about us all the time.
for example, what i might consider passionate banter of a subject, is actually perceived as opinionated and condescending by innocent bystanders dragged into the discussion. what looks like disinterest to others, is really debilitating shyness or fear to me. due to my raucous laugh, impulsive and impatient nature, people don't expect to find me easily wounded or frustratingly introverted in unfamiliar social situations.
i agree with ariel's assertion, we should be able to admire one another, from our own pedestal, instead of feeling intimidated--or even worse, jealous--forcing others off the pedestals we placed them on in the first place.
i refuse to spend a lot of energy trying to climb down the pedestal of someone else's construct, nor am i going to try to change someone's mind that has decided that i don't measure up.
but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break a little every time i realize that i've likely missed out on something really fantastic at the hand of misguided perception.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:47 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 07, 2004
floundering in the deep end
i check my horoscope more than a person who doesn't buy into it really should. most of the time it's silly. lately though, it's started to echo the goings on in my life.
maybe i'm just hungry for someone to tell me what the hell to do today. or give me some notion of what's going to happen. i've always held the belief that the more difficult and inexplicable events become--and logic fails--the more apt we are to look to the mystical forces for some kind of fucking explanation.
on a daily basis i paint a grin on my face and gesticulate my way through my days, filling my vision with distraction hoping no one will notice how lost i find myself most of time. i raise my eyebrows, confidently elbowing my way through the crowds with an air of condescension hoping to fend off any questions or interest in probing me further.
spending a good amount of time rationalizing my isolation finding ways to insert logic into why things happen as they do, and convincing myself that this will somehow make sense. and hoping this will scratch that itchy feeling in the back of my mind that i've created a life i'm uncomfortable in.
then, inevitably logic breaks down. explanation becomes fruitless. connecting becomes impossible. the past rears up on its hind legs and tosses me off my high horse. landing flat on my ass and for a moment getting a glimpse of what i want, and while grateful for the glimpse--saddened by how unprepared i am for actually embracing it.
i wish i could go stand in the shallow end.
Posted by heidijanet at 11:07 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
April 25, 2004
ah, love
solo moviegoing report. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. such a painful movie. beautiful but painful. if you asked me why i liked it, i couldn't tell you. and it's not so much that i liked it. i mean i liked the film, loved it in fact. but i didn't much like how it slowly worked on me like a dredge, scraping up that feeling. the feeling of having something that had been packed down nice and tight polished over and silent, and in less than two hours it had expanded and burst screaming, "remember me? i'm that feeling you get when that really precious thing is torn and shredded right before your eyes. did you really think that you could forget?"
on the way home, the driver in the car in front of me reached out of his window as he passed by to pick a purple blossom off the flowering plant on the median. then he turned and offered it to his girl who was sitting in the passenger seat.
it was so fucking sweet i wanted to ram my car right through their trunk.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 10, 2004
it's quirky to be single?
during my morning commute last week, one of the top editorial stories for the morning news was announced, "is it possible to be single and happy? one happily single woman calls this idea, being a 'quirky single'..."
this disturbs me. not that someone can be single and happy, but that it has been coined as quirky.
as a single, professional woman in her early thirties, i have found myself surrounded by women, and some men, that are fixated on meeting someone that will make them happy. for the rest of their life. this idea frightens me a little. but what frightens me more is that so many people perceive "happy" and "single" as mutually exclusive ideas. which annoys me to no end.
now, don't get me wrong, i'd love to meet someone that i enjoy spending time with. if that enjoyment happened to last a lifetime, all the better.
but i seem to be surrounded by people who seem to have taken on a second job devoted to finding their perfect, lifelong partner. endless hours spent researching cosmo, preening, grooming and strategizing for how to draw this one person out of the faceless crowds. lately, every conversation seems to be dominated by finding that one person to complete us and make us whole.
behavior is analyzed and over-analyzed ad naseum. wracking brains about what this or that really means. a 300-pound yoke of expectation is hung around the neck of every first date, dalliance or interlude. ultimatums are given, rigid interpretations and compatability lists are made. it's fucking exhausting.
i'm not suggesting that i don't fall victim to some of these overanalyzations and obsessions from time to time, i do. it's part of the fun. but, i'm not trying to triangulate the position of that one person to determine whether or not they are a suitable for a lifelong attachment--i'm beginning to suspect that some people just aren't well-suited to that. what i take issue with is the prevailing notion that we are not, and never will be, completely whole until a mate is found.
i cling to the idea that if i am happy with where i am right now, and become comfortable in my own skin, only then would i be able to or even interested in sharing a bit of that with someone else.
what i want to understand better is why so many of us hang our hopes for happiness and fulfillment around the necks of other people that are, in effect, doing the exact same thing. do two unhappy, incomplete and dysfunctional people make one happy, fulfilled whole?
i suspect not. and i suspect that we are asking too much of other people and not enough of ourselves.
and the idea that choosing to be happy and single can be described as "quirky" is just one more indication that as a culture we have wholly unrealistic expectations surrounding coupledom.
which of course, might explain why 50% of men and over 40% of women cheat on their spouses. it also might explain why half of all marraiges end in divorce.
so why do we cling to these romantic ideals of marraige? and how is it that being voluntarily single and happy is something quirky?
i wonder.
Posted by heidijanet at 11:30 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
January 04, 2004
pursuit of happiness
i've had several conversations with friends about the pursuit of happiness lately. i had the luxury of meeting up with my friend ariel recently and we ended up in a discussion about her writings and how they might be organized, which led to an exchange how her perspective tends to be misinterpreted as overly positive. if there is such a thing.
the conversation subsequently turned toward the observation about how we live our lives and experience joy, in direct correlation to our understanding of suffering.
she described a woman she knows that has led a fairly positive life, great family, fulfilling marriage, financial stability, and yet this woman still manages to infuse her daily life with a tremendous amount of self-inflicted worry, complaining and unhappiness. the assertion was that we, have a need to "balance" our lives with a corresponding level of unhappiness to compensate for our good fortune. and vice versa.
while i believe that this is fundamentally true, i also suspect that in this assertion the element of choice has been left out. ultimately, i believe that as humans we are incapable of a sustained state of happiness. we hope, we strive for something better. something more than what we have. this is what drives us on a daily basis to overcome the shit that life throws our way, and also creates our common sense of "if this is good, then more is better" mentality.
a friend forwarded an article to me today about a psychologist that studies "happiness" and our pursuit of such. i found this article interesting, but also (like many "studies") predictable.
it suggests that we are, as humans, capable of extraordinary adaptability. that when asked to choose between some kind of hypothetical misfortune and another, we not only make incredibly short-sighted selections, we grossly underestimate our capacity to survive, and in fact thrive, in the face of a particular adversity.
anyone who has experienced great hardship, learns that we are far more capable of surviving than we might have ever imagined. and through this adversity, often find that happiness is not in what we achieve, nor in what we posess, but in our capacity to appreciate what we have at this very moment.
i had another friend who told me once that he would never place his faith in anything that could be lost easily. to never count on money, looks, security, health or the "bright and shiny shit" to offer lasting contentedness. and i found this to be sage advice, until i learned that just about anything can be lost in an instant.
through the last few years, through a bit of rough treatment by the universe, i found that the only thing we can control, is our reaction to any given event. that we have a choice. our happiness directly correlates to our understanding of suffering. but that this happiness is also a choice. how we intrerpret and learn from our experience. i suspect that the only thing that might offer lasting satisfaction is borne of our ability to choose who and what we love. how we spend our time and the value we accord it.
and if we mistakenly expect that there is someone, or something, that will fill this void, or become a salve for our dissatisfaction, then we are ultimately doomed to a lifetime of misery.
but more importantly, i suspect that because we are naturally inclined to balance our suffering or good fortune with its natural counterpart, it becomes more important to understand the element of choice in this equation.
i'm not sure that i've totally made up my mind on this, because perhaps in the face of great hardship we can only adapt and survive because we have no choice. but i'm not sure this thinking accounts for all of the miserable, depressed folks that have given over to their hardship nor the incredibly happy, seemingly oblivous, people i've run across over the years.
either way, i'll continue to plod on in my pursuit.
Posted by heidijanet at 11:11 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack