July 18, 2006
wild-eyed and desperate
i can't sleep.
at least not through the night. and it's transforming me into an irrational emotional frustrated creature that can't focus or keep a single thought in my head.
i've never had trouble getting myself to sleep. ever. i've always been one to rest my weary head, and slide easily into a deep slumber that not a freight train nor a window-shaking bass-playing roommate could disturb.
yet for the last month or so, like clockwork, i spring wide awake around 3am. and i lie there. helpless. and sleepless. watching the sun creep up over the horizon and into my bedroom window while i silently curse the passing of time as i am present for every single sleepless moment of it.
now granted i've been getting itchy again lately. not sure the why or the what of it yet, but definitely getting itchy.
maybe as you approach the middle of your life, you no longer can wander around in the seemingly infinite space of time fucking around making mistakes, attempting this and that just to see what will happen.
or maybe in the middle of your life when you spend too much time overanalyzing and thinking about the passage of time, your mind starts screaming out of sheer frustration.
that's enough to keep a person up at night.
Posted by heidijanet at 07:26 AM | Comments (0)
July 13, 2006
back in touch
Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright on women in power: "I'm not a person who thinks the world would be entirely different if it was run by women. If you think that, you've forgotten what high school was like." [via salon]
it has become painfully clear to me (again), how in many cases women can be far more cruel than our male counterparts.
i've spent most of my life surrounded by male playmates as a child, mostly male friends as an adolescent to primarily working and socializing among men as an adult.
interestingly enough, over the last few years in los angeles, i've attempted to reverse that pattern by surrounding myself with women believing that i needed more women in my life. to mixed results.
i touched on this subject before as i struggled to "overcome" this tendency and find some kind of balance.
while there are a handful of dear, dear women on whom i have come to rely for my sanity, perspective and general well-being unlike any other time in my life, i find myself harshly reminded why i have historically surrounded myself with men.
since then, i've come to realize that this is not a thing to be overcome, but embraced.
and i resolve to do so in the future.
Posted by heidijanet at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)
May 19, 2006
daniela's birthday wish granted
solitary wish
Originally uploaded by in retrospect.
last night i met up with my two favorite women in the world for a little pre-celebration of daniela's birthday.
we started out at the house with a little champagne, gifting and girltalk followed by dinner at a greek resaurant in malibu where we feasted on octopus, dolthmas and shrimp prepared to inspire food performance art.
all was just fine and good, until the conversation turned abrubtly to my love life. the only trouble with running with a crowd of coupled up friends is their, admittedly well-placed, concern for my social life. or rather my lack of one.
after many years of spending time in misguided, ill-advised relationships i made a conscious and deliberate decision a few years ago to get comfortable in my own, single, skin. this is not a secret to anyone i know, or anyone who reads this site with any kind of regularity.
i've come to realize the pursuit of happiness, and being single are not mutually exclusive endeavors. at the same time, it can be a tough and lonely place to hold firm to the idea that i simply refuse to waste my precious time with people that i feel no sense of connection with, this includes friends, lovers and dinner dates.
however, after many months and years of watching me frighten men off in bars with a simple raise of an eyebrow or verbal assault, while inexplicably entangling myself with inappropriate, unavailable or unsuitable prospects--my girlfriends have decided that i can no longer be trusted to make these kinds of decisions without their intervention.
after an hour of defending my position that a shotgun approach is not my style and putting myself out there online just makes me feel like i'm in a bar 24/7 fending off bad one-liners and ill-intentioned propositions--i finally told my dear friends (with no small amount of exasperation) that fine, if they want me to get out there then they could write the damn profiles and field the prospects for me.
not realizing the excitement that this would generate or how eagerly they would take on this challenge, the conversation spiraled rapidly into something like this:
d: ooh! ok. we'll put profiles on match and eHarmony..
l: we could do multiple profiles! you know, for all the sides of heidi we know and love...!
d: and craigslist and yahoo...
l: would we get to pick from your flickr photos? public or private?
h: erm. public. and preferably the snarling ones.
d: maybe we could show up and sit in the corner to observe!
l: that's perfect. with recording devices and telephoto lenses....
d: i feel a little like a pimp!
l: i know! how fabulous is that? we'll need purple hats with feathers
d: and a gold tooth. which one should i do? the top or bottom?
l: top side, definitely. okay, so we'll put up profiles on match eharmony and myspace and craigslist um...
d: ooh! we could do eBay!!! if they can sell a potato chip shaped like the virgin mary on eBay i'm sure we could auction off a date with heidi! oh man, this is like my birthday wish come true!
by this point i'm slumped back into my seat, drinking heavily at the enthusiasm at which my supposed "friends" have taken on this challenge.
even though i managed to retain veto power, i'm afraid. very afraid.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:55 PM | Comments (1)
April 26, 2006
empty gesture.
i've been traveling a lot lately on business, so earlier in the year i made some significant investments in tumi luggage. for a girl such as i, with a shameless bag fetish, tumi luggage officially qualifies as an investment.
tumi bags are fantastic, amazing, magic bags that made me feel like i had a mary poppins carpet bag when i packed for europe back in march. plus they have this fabulous bag tracer registration program to return your bags to you should they get lost.
however this also means i now receive tumi spam, which normally i don't mind at all. but today i received this:
Dear Tumi Customer:
You are part of a select group of Tumi customers we are inviting to form the first-ever Tumi Advisory Panel....blahblahblah... To be considered for the advisory panel, please click on this link to register....blahblah..In appreciation for your completed survey, we will send you a $25 Tumi Award Certificate redeemable at tumi.com. blahblah...Thank you in advance for your participation in shaping the future of Tumi.
not to sound petty, but offering me a $25 gift certificate to use at tumi.com (i dare you to find a single item for $25 or less on their site) is akin to handing a small child a copper penny and sending her over to the 25-cent gumball machine. only to watch her waddle over and stand expectantly in front of that shiny red, cast iron and glass bank of heaven, containing objects of her pure unadulterated desire. then leaving her blinking helplessly at the relative pointlessness of the gesture.
Posted by heidijanet at 04:14 PM | Comments (2)
April 07, 2005
stop that snacking.
there's no mini bar in my hotel room. tiny tub, no robe, 2 double beds...i guess i can live with.
but no minibar? i really am beside myself in here.
Posted by heidijanet at 07:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
April 06, 2005
no. i'm not from here.
so i've found myself in washington d.c. for a meeting. i've been to dc before, but that was (ahem) 14 years ago when i was 19 years old (yes, please. do the math) with a boyfriend (yes, i have been known to have one. but not often). i must say i cannot believe it has been that long.
at any rate, i flew in for a meeting and thought that i might be able to carve a couple of hours out to wander down and photograph the cherry blossoms before heading back for a series of symposia on pre-, post-meospausal and secondary osteoporosis. after no less than 4 attempts to head down to the metro--before my cell phone beckoned me back to a fire to be put out with my computer or pushy demeanor--i made it halfway down the block with my favorite pink/purple jacket tucked half into my bag.
i stopped into cvs to grab a 9-volt battery (every girl should keep them handy), then within 10 paces realized i had dropped my jacket. i turned to look on the ground and nothing. i quickly walked back into cvs and asked the 3 folks behind the counter if anyone turned in the jacket.
blank look.
i repeated myself.
blank look.
finally in desperation waving my hands and head around, they shook their heads. no.
very efficient street sweepers here in dc and frankly...kind of rude folks.
but then again, it's been awhile since i've been in dc. and with my (newly) unruly blonde hair and new black pinstriped, pink garnished suit i don't exactly fit in with the sleekly groomed and oh so very brusque buttoned-up crowd.
but still...a simple yes or no would suffice.
*grumble*
Posted by heidijanet at 03:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 10, 2005
praise IKEA
is this the aftermath of a bombing? a riot over the u.s occupation of iraq? a protest to raise awareness of the instability in uganda?
injured for the cause of IKEA
uploaded by in retrospect.
no. this is the opening of the IKEA in london. one person was stabbed, several were injured in the almighty pursuit of a cheap, yet fashionable couch.
passion of the shopper
uploaded by in retrospect.
"A woman with pot plants said: "I've come from Birmingham for this." Jilal Patel, 29, from Tottenham, said: "I was queuing at 11am. Nothing is going to stop me from getting my sofa." [courtesy of this london]
Gud förbjude.
[courtesy of metafilter]
Posted by heidijanet at 11:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 16, 2005
the biznisss
i've started watching unscripted on hbo. i've only seen a couple of episodes...and each and every time i get my panties in a bunch. each and every time.
maybe it's my disdain for the insidiouness of the "industry" in los angeles, the very thing that gave me pause upon my migration to the southland from my precious san francisco, and you can kind of smell it everywhere. over the last three years i've learned to do my best to sidestep the scene the best i can. filter out the writers, wannabe actors, grips (well except for that one very cute 24-year-old i couldn't resist...*blush*), directors and random west side star sightings i manage to navigate fairly well between and through the superficiality of living in los angeles.
but watching this show is like witnessing a train wreck...i just cannot seem to look away. i am perplexed by the flocks of people that flood into los angeles to be a part of an industry that is so blatantly brutal, vicious, backstabbing and tears apart the very people that are falling all over themselves just for the mere opportunity to stand on the sidelines.
totally perplexing.
Posted by heidijanet at 10:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 24, 2004
office politics
more in the series of life's little annoyances:
#1 if you're going to have a little chat with your girlfriend on company time, at least don't just stand there with your paper half on the copy machine as though your poised to make a copy any moment now. for ten minutes. especially when i'm impatiently standing right there with my own frigging copies to make.
#2 the person with the most paperwork in their hands has the right-of-way in the hallway. period. if it appears to be a tie, then heels trump flats.
#3 if you're going to hang out in my office and you knock stuff down or move stuff around. put it back.
#4 please ask if you can borrow my pen first, instead of just reaching over and grabbing my .20mm Pigma Micron fine tip felt pens and grinding the tip down to uselessness, then ask to borrow a pen that works.
#5 in my personal opinion, "hi, how are you?" implies interest in an answer. if you don't actually want to know, don't ask me.
Posted by heidijanet at 03:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 17, 2004
raise the debt ceiling
how cool would it be if when you maxed out your credit cards, you could just call up your credit card companies and request they raise your limit with no promises for when they would be repaid?
perhaps george thinks that our deficit is kind of like his daddy's bank account? given his track record of running companies into the ground, this seems like a strangely familiar pattern.
Posted by heidijanet at 02:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 03, 2004
i agree. with me.
reading through post-election analysis over at salon, i stumbled across an article illuminating the very issue that i was pondering around 3am lying in my bed sleepless and disturbed by the election results.
as an information junkie of enormous porportions digging daily through the news, listening to NPR all the way into work and all the way home, while persistently checking in at metafilter, salon, various web logs and performing countless random online queries for everything from the name of an actor i can't place after watching an obscure film to wondering why water always swirls in the same direction while headed down the drain. and along with everyone else in the country--learning as much about the candidates for this election as possible.
i spent several months assuming that the most emailed stories over at yahoo were an indication of what folks were paying attention to. i got tangled up in the thinking that endorsements for Kerry by The New Yorker (endorsing a candidate for the 1st time in history), The Washinton Post, Chicago Sun-Times, The New York Times, The San Francisco Chronicle and the Seattle Times (who endorsed Bush last time)would sway the minds of voters. i was certain that revelations of incompetence, draft dodging, 9/11 exploiting, finger pointing (and finger flipping), war-mongering, and even outright lying would count for something.
i spent lots and lots of time laughing and agreeing with information sources mostly because...well the information also agreed with me.
then a couple of weeks ago i decided to poke around the bush re-election site and while disgusted by its negativity, undaunted i proceeded to dig through every article, several speeches, links to party-line press...and started feeling a little disconcerted. i remarked to a friend that night that even though i couldn't stand bush, i was beginning to think he would actually win. my friend responded with a frightened gasp, "oh no! don't say that!"
recoiling from the thought, i rushed back into the arms of my like-minded information sources, reinforcing my sense of hope and optimism for the outcome of the election.
i never expected that the 18-34 year old voters, wouldn't show up at the polls. i didn't think that a majority of the population would care more about preventing gay marriage, than preventing an unjustified invasion of a country. i thought that certainly people would understand that costs to our envirmonment might be more critical to us than the cost of oil. but feeding myself my own rhetoric, and only giving weight to the information that agreed with me, left me feeling disillusioned and disappointed. and more than a little helpless.
it's not the first time. and i'm certain it won't be the last.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:42 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
October 20, 2004
groan
after slogging through a week of 95 degree, humidity-soaked san antonio, texas i am relieved to have finally made it back home.
the whole week was a miserable transition from oppressive heat outside, to 50 degree meat locker meeting rooms inside, then on to my smoking room--which despite my periodic consumption of cigarettes i NEVER, EVER get a smoking room, but nothing else was available. there are few things i dislike more than the smell of stale cigarette smoke. (this is ironic, i know. i also have a deep dislike of cathair. as the guardian of two cats, i can't figure out this logic either.)
at any rate it was like sleeping in an ashtray for 4 days, so i never got more than a couple of hours of sleep a night which has resulted in a deeply bad attitude.
so returning home, i crawl out of the cab with my luggage, walk to the front door of my house, and realize that because my roommate dropped me at the airport, i had forgotten to pack my keys. i am now locked. out. of my. own. house.
grumble. grumble. grumble.
so, thanks to wireless access it's possible for me to sit in my rain-soaked front yard and share my misery with you until my roommate gets home. and lets my cranky ass back in the house.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:16 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 07, 2004
floundering in the deep end
i check my horoscope more than a person who doesn't buy into it really should. most of the time it's silly. lately though, it's started to echo the goings on in my life.
maybe i'm just hungry for someone to tell me what the hell to do today. or give me some notion of what's going to happen. i've always held the belief that the more difficult and inexplicable events become--and logic fails--the more apt we are to look to the mystical forces for some kind of fucking explanation.
on a daily basis i paint a grin on my face and gesticulate my way through my days, filling my vision with distraction hoping no one will notice how lost i find myself most of time. i raise my eyebrows, confidently elbowing my way through the crowds with an air of condescension hoping to fend off any questions or interest in probing me further.
spending a good amount of time rationalizing my isolation finding ways to insert logic into why things happen as they do, and convincing myself that this will somehow make sense. and hoping this will scratch that itchy feeling in the back of my mind that i've created a life i'm uncomfortable in.
then, inevitably logic breaks down. explanation becomes fruitless. connecting becomes impossible. the past rears up on its hind legs and tosses me off my high horse. landing flat on my ass and for a moment getting a glimpse of what i want, and while grateful for the glimpse--saddened by how unprepared i am for actually embracing it.
i wish i could go stand in the shallow end.
Posted by heidijanet at 11:07 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
September 22, 2004
high-strung and windblown
the santa ana winds have picked up, it's windy, hot and dry as a bone outside.
the santa anas are unsettling. i'm wound up tight cranky, irrational, emotional and quite frankly, unreasonable.
not to mention the lining of my skirt has been electrostatically clinging to my legs all day. and that makes me crazy.
Posted by heidijanet at 05:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 10, 2004
license plates and bumper stickers
day after day, spending 2 hours+ on the freeways of los angeles i come across vanity plates, plate frames and bumper stickers that give me pause.
to the 50ish year old graying man in the bright yellow convertible plymouth prowler with your thinning hair blowing in the wind and "ATTENTION WHORE" on your license plate frame--i nearly rammed my tiny mini cooper up your ass this morning. out of pure, unadulterated righteous indignation.
to the woman with THE "HRLY GRRL" vanity plate framed with the disclaimer, "Harley Girl...NOT Hourly Girl"--thank you. it was the best laugh i've had all week. but i have to ask, how long did it take for you to realize your error?
and finally to the woman with the "VETERANS FOR BUSH" bumper sticker--for crying out loud, please attempt to inform yourself.
okay i'm done.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 08, 2004
not funny. anymore.
"Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over"
a hilarious satire published by the onion, on january 18, 2001. updated with acutal news links.
uh, less funny now.
[courtesy of metafilter]
Posted by heidijanet at 11:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 18, 2004
no crying
so there's boy drama in the house. my roommate plops down on the couch, frustrated...
after a bit of sharing, she blurts:
"i just really feel like crying right now."
"then cry!" i tell her.
"but i don't want to cry over boys! i don't know why i'm crying. i think i've just had too much sugar today."
see it's usually one or the other. heh.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
because it's no fun to protest on an empty stomach
er, mayor bloomberg is offering GOP protesters discounted broadway shows, food and lodging to make nice. all the anarchists have to do is...offer up a few er, personal details, wear a button and flash their peaceful protester card.
because nothing lures those anarchists away from the front lines like a little discount shopping at the Pokémon Center store and sitting down for a meal at Applebee's.
maybe the GOP is worried that they won't be able to recognize the anarchists?
ingenious scheme. no really. those anarchists will totally fall for it.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 16, 2004
rejection service
now this [courtesy of metafilter] just burns my ass. rejecting someone is hard on everyone involved, but the whole third-party rejection services that have made it oh so much easier to be assholes has planted me back on my sassy horse.
a while back i was in a bar in san francisco with some girlfriends, and a guy approached me, chatted me and my girls up for a few minutes, then asked for my number. i paused for a minute, you know the whole deer-in-headlights thing that happens when you don't want to be rude, but you're also not interested? in that moment my girlfriend reached over and gave him "my number" on a napkin, one of those horrible rejection numbers that verbally and emotionally abuse and belittle the person's attempt at finding a little companionship.
i tried to laugh it off when i realized what she'd done, but felt seriously awful and dirty for deliberately hurting the guy. because having that number handed to you after showing an interest in getting to know someone better, would truly suck.
the part of this service that adds insult to injury, is passing off the rejection as a "growing experience".
you know what is a growing experience? when you are approached by someone who thinks you are interesting/attractive/nice enough to want your number/email and you show them the respect of politely thanking them, then gently let them know you just aren't interested.
it's honest, takes a bit of courage to face the hurt/anger/whatever--but it's better than destroying someone's feelings and/or self-confidence because you don't have the balls (or ovaries, as the case may be) to be honest.
i think that as penance anyone who has ever used this service in response to such interest, should be forced to go out and solicit no less than 20 phone numbers from strangers they find attractive.
i'll go first.
Posted by heidijanet at 02:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 27, 2004
disaster recovery
last week i encountered a serious issue. the web host i was using arbitrarily deleted my weblog. no email. no warning. and alas, no back up. really, unbelievably frustrating.
apparently, they hadn't been billing me so they shut it down--but frankly i would have paid any amount to ensure that this didn't happen if they'd just given me a heads up--for some reason this was not a priority for them. not sure why. i am, of course, not alone in my criticism of this hosting provider.
fortunately however, i backed up my content a couple of months ago so with that and google caching (i love google) i will be able to recreate this site.
this also allowed me to upgrade to MT 3.0, and update the look a little. so please be patient while i figure out how to import my entries (i'm having a little trouble with that) and i'll be back soon. :)
Posted by heidijanet at 12:23 PM | Comments (0)
June 17, 2004
there should be a law
i've been on planes quite a bit lately. i wish i could say it has been all fun and exciting, but unfortunately. it has not.
as i was flying back from cleveland this week, completely exhausted trying to get a little sleep for the first time in what felt like weeks, i concluded that there should be a miss manners for the traveller. and this should be required reading before you can step foot on a plane. now, i don't know anyone that would consider relying on me to be a "miss manners" of anything, but i'm going to get on my sassy horse and lay a few down anyway:
1. don't bring your own peanuts as your snack. why would you do this? they give these to you on the plane. and if you sit next to me, i will gladly give you mine too. personally, i hate the little tiny, insignificant bags of peanuts. i really do. but for some reason when folks get these hot little items in their hands, they rip into them immediately, the peanutty stench fills the cabin and everyone scarfs them down as if it were manna from heaven. now assuming you aren't satisfied, if you ask the flight attendant, they will give you more. really.
2. don't direct your nasty "i'm annoyed" look at the parents of fussy children. save your silent glares for the guy who insists on taking up the entire length of both armrests even though he's sitting in the aisle seat or the woman who crushed your suit coat in the overhead with her shopping bag full of see's candy and "my grandma went to cleveland and all i got was this stupid t-shirt" gifts for the folks back home instead of the poor mother who can't get her 18-month old to stop crying.
planes are loud, cramped and scary places, with nothing to look at (except for all those people glaring at you) and nothing to do. but more importantly, babies don't know how to pop their ears when the altitude changes. i would whine and cry too if i couldn't get my ears to pop. and you know you would too. so cut the kids a break. and the parents too.
3. don't rush the front of the plane the moment it stops moving. I don't understand this strange compulsion. as soon as the plane rolls to a stop, everyone jumps up, flings off their seatbelts, snatching their bags out from under the seat and the overhead compartment to cram into the aisle. and wait for the the door to open. it's not a race folks. this doesn't make things go any faster. everyone just ends up crunched into more compact clumps hunching down in the aisle. elbows bumping heads, rear ends pushing over children and bags shoved into kidneys. it's just silly.
oh, and while we're on the subject, stop and let the folks out of their seats before rushing by. more often than not, you'll just end up knocking over the old lady without even offering to help with her bag. and who wants to be that guy? trust me folks, even if you manage to shave a few minutes off the process by shoving your way off the plane, and racing through the terminal--most of us just end up standing around together waiting for baggage claim to spit out our bags.
it's just like the asshole on the road who honks, swerves, gives you the finger and races around you in his car so he can get next red light. first. then sits there as you pull up and stop right next to him.
4. Yahtzee is NOT a game for the airplane. i don't think this requires explanation.
5. if i have earphones on, i don't want to talk to you. somehow the guy next to me from cleveland didn't get this very simple concept. i don't like to chit chat on planes. i just don't. i don't care where you're from, where you're going, what you do for a living or what you're reading. and i'm not interested in sharing personal information about myself. that's why the earphones are stuffed in my ears. it's my own personal advertisement that i'm not interested in conversation.
so, go chat up that woman across the aisle expectantly looking around the plane for someone to chat with. you know the one. you might recognize her by her matching floral print luggage with the identifying ribbon tied on the handles. she's the one who takes two trips a decade, and both of them are to see her family. she'll have pictures, stories and an endless need to hear all about yours too. i'm not that woman. i have earphones on, i'm reading a book and i don't want to talk. unless of course, you're playing yahtzee. but you probably wouldn't want to talk to me just then.
if anyone has more ground rules for flying, please feel free to contribute. maybe i'll collect and self-publish them then become one of those annoying people at the airport forcing flyers into the hands of unsuspecting travellers.
because you know...folks aren't carrying enough instructional paperwork while they rush through the airport as it is.
Posted by heidijanet at 06:08 PM | Comments (0)
April 26, 2004
er, that explains it
uh. stumbled across a good wife's guide [courtesy of metafilter]. because it's important to remember...a good wife always knows her place.
ahem.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 23, 2004
out of touch
a good [male] friend of mine once advised me that i needed to get in touch with... my feminine side. other friends, who don't really know me that well, tend to be surprised by this observation...but this advice was timely and well-advised.
even as a very small child, my best friends were the boys. i always had trouble making girlfriends. i have a raunchy sense of humor, the baudier the joke, the better. i spent my childhood as a noisy, rambunctious child who scurried up trees, played in the mud, had an odd fashion sense with a die-hard penchant for attempting to beat every one--especially the boys--at any competition.
in college i drove a 1972 red bronco often packed to the gunrack with boys from the neighboring dorm and would venture high into the rockies for upside-down marguaritas off the tailgate, followed by four-wheeling antics with gut-wrenching, shock-snapping results.
my idea of camping is a sleeping bag and a sharp knife. one of my favorite pasttimes is bass-fishing with a bud light between my knees, and i can clean a fish in a couple minutes flat without breaking a sweat. i've been known to clear a pool table (on a good night) after slinging back four shots of basil hayden with six guys on the tail end of an excessive bar hop. my favorite books have been penned at the hands of kerouac, bukowski and burroughs, in sharp contrast to bronte or bushnell (although wurtzel is admittedly a favorite). my career mentors have been former investment bankers and ad execs whose best advice has been to suck it up, learn to piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs and not get my panties in a bunch when a deal went sideways.
needless to say, when i hit my late-twenties, with two male roommates, three male employees, a male business partner and complete lack of women that i could call up and indulge in girl-talk with, i made a vow to make more female friends.
having good girlfriends is essential, they are willing to discuss an issue ad nauseum until you feel that you've been really heard, instead of having an issue "fixed" by a male friend. you can laugh, relax, talk about men and sex with a frankness not advised among men for fear of either giving them the wrong idea, or striking fear into their heart. you can relish in frivolities like the new kate spade bag or your new hairdresser with a knowing look, instead of a blank stare. and if you're feeling really pre-menstrual bitchy, you can announce it with no fear that it will be held against you later. not to mention it's a health risk to not have good girlfriends.
unfortunately, the subtle dynamics between women are often lost on me. i've never been one of those girls could be described as subtle. generally, if i think something i'll say it--not to be brash, but if there's one thing i know about myself, it's that i have a very expressive face and few social filters, so trying to be subtle is pointless. if i want something, i go for it with a tenacity that startles most women i know. and if something is bothering me, i'll likely tell you to your face.
so i intentionally choose female friends that are tough and sassy that won't put up with any bullshit -- because i know that when i get on my sassy horse or put on my bossy face they have the balls to tell me to go pound sand.
but i struggle with the intricate nuances and politics of female relationships, because i'm just not wired that way. in a recent exchange with a roommate about some things that have been weighing on me with my girlfriends lately, she widened her eyes with the realization, "i am really surprised at how much you are reacting to this like a guy would." well, yeah. that's my nature.
so i wonder, what do you do when the thing you want to overcome, is a thing that's simply against your nature?
it's a conundrum that plagues me.
Posted by heidijanet at 11:31 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
October 09, 2003
spam is taking over the world
i'm dismayed and getting pissed off. i'm starting to get "comment spam" on my entries.
their comment regarding my proposing recalling arnold in 2004? "Hey, nice post! Now look over here [link to sex with pre-pubescent children!]"
their comment to my ankle healing after 8 months? "Wow, great post! Now, click here to enlarge your penis!"
do these folks have no shame? i mean this guy might get 471 years in prison and an $117M fine (which seem a little out of balance if you ask me) for angrily spamming 2 sports writers. but the folks that encourge a peek at offensive material? nothing.
pisses me off.
Posted by heidijanet at 02:39 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
September 21, 2003
couldn't have said it better
i just want to say a big thank you to ariel for being a small voice with a large point for every woman pondering pumping themselves full of hormones to "do away" with the inconvenience of being female, or so the pharmaceutical companies would have us believe.
Posted by heidijanet at 07:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 05, 2003
lessons unlearned
when i was 20 years old i learned a lesson. i travelled with a girlfriend to san diego on a road trip. on this trip i got my first tattoo, back in the early 90's when tattooes were not "fashionable", and in retrospect most likely unhygenic.
we travelled to ocean beach to the parties in the beach houses, where we kept running into the same people house to house. my girlfriend rebecca lied by saying she was from poway. she was really from arizona, having lived in la for a bit over a year why one would lie about being from poway is beyond me now...
anyway in the middle of our festivities after several wine coolers (did i mention i was 20?) i decided to call my boyfriend, soon to be husband but that's another story, from the nearest payphone and inform him of my new tattoo -- to shock him and all that. i looked across the alley and spied an argument between a fellow i'd seen all night at each of the parties arguing with an obnoxious guy who'd been stalking the beautiful girls in this fellow's group.
well the argument became heated and it came to blows. the obnoxious guy decked the nice fellow and he fell to the ground. wearing cowboy boots and sporting a new tattoo i felt abnormally tough i dropped the handset of the payphone and ran over to the scuffle just as the obnoxious guy began kicking nice fellow's face in.
i grabbed the shirt of the obnoxious guy and screamed into his (shocked) face, "what the fuck do you think you are doing?!!!". the guy ran and i knelt down to cradle the head of the poor beaten fellow who promptly bled all over my nice new hanes t-shirt. (i was high-maintenance even at 20). his friend ran out of the deli and i stood up just in time to see the obnoxious guy run around the corner while a group of hells angels pulled up in their harley's and got off their bikes next to me.
feeling comfortable with harley fellas (my father runs proudly with 'em) **clarification, my father rides proudly with harley fellas, NOT the Hells Angels** i pointed after the guy and said, "catch that guy!". we ran en masse around the corner and trapped the obnoxious fellow in a white-picketed yard.
now being lucky and/or blessed by hells angels i grabbed the obnoxious fellow by the arm and delivered him to the police.
since then i've felt compelled by this heady victory to step into conflict, grab the bull by the proverbial horns and solve the problem head on.
i now understand that without the hells angels at your back it can bring you nothing, absolutely nothing but a headache.
it has taken me years to unlearn this lesson.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:08 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
July 07, 2003
saving the world from themselves
ok, here i go again.
so on the political landscape, we've invaded Iraq for having mysterious weapons of mass destruction. and we're now going after iran so i can only assume that syria, india, pakistan and north korea are next.
all of this so that WE are the only country in the world that i capable of such devastation? am i the only one terrified at the idea of bush with nukes and no one in the world to oppose him?
Posted by heidijanet at 12:21 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
June 09, 2003
apocolypse maybe
ok, let me get this straight. clinton was impeached for lying about his dalliance with Monica Lewinsky.
but somehow Bush's apparent lies about our premise for invading and occupying Iraq is _not_ an impeachable offense? (courtesy of metafilter)
since when did fooling around with an intern become a more damning activity than the death and destruction brought upon a people for reasons no more substantiative than perhaps the fact that they sit upon one of the world's largest cache of oil.
i can empathize with a president and cut him a little slack for lying about fondling an intern. however I cannot understand, relate to or support a president that lies about why we are invading a country, dismantling a government -- as bad and oppressive as it was, that doesn't give us the right or authority to go in without the support of the UN for reasons so obviously self-serving.
Even it they find wmd, will it justify the means? In my opinion, no. because it opens the door to invading countries with little more than uncorroborated intelligence, potential political/financial advantage and a braggadocio that reaches around the world.
oh and a british scientist puts the odds of an apocolypse at 50/50 -- how's that for a politically savvy guess?
Posted by heidijanet at 11:16 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 07, 2003
drizzle
i hate to keep blathering on about the affects rain has on the southland, but sometimes the result is so extreme it dominates my thoughts. it drizzled a little today and left me in a monster traffic jam that caused me to miss my acupuncture. i only have to go about 10 miles and it would have taken me an hour. AN HOUR. argh.
on a lighter note, when i got home, i padded out into my front patio in bare feet (notice i use the plural) and delighted in the fact that it was the first time in 7 months that i got *both* feet wet. i happily splat my feet in a shallow puddle for a few moments. made me feel much better about the rain.
Posted by heidijanet at 06:03 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
April 29, 2003
no more star gazing
i've stopped reading my horoscope. i think today's explains it well enough:
LEO
If you became an animal today you would be a St. Bernard puppy, Heidi, all frisky and affectionate. By all means put your passion to good use. Why not surprise that special someone in your life with a fabulous home-cooked meal? You could set a table in front of the fireplace, light the candles and pour the wine and let nature take it's course. You likely need not bother planning a dessert course. There is wonderful energy flowing between the two of you. The sparks will fly tonight!
horseshit.
Posted by heidijanet at 06:43 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
April 16, 2003
open mind
trying to keep an open mind can be at times disturbing. there are moments when i have a wonderfully strong opinion about something and enjoy the resulting luxury of not losing sleep over the issue.
this is happening less and less lately.
just to set a few things straight -- i am against the US aggression in Iraq.
[mysteriously also called Operation Iraqi Freedom]
but i do support the troops that are following orders and putting their lives on the line for our country.
and i do not support saddam or his regime.
i do support the intervening -- as long as we have the support of the United Nations.
but i don't believe the US should just say to hell with everybody -- and force whole cultures and governments to change to fit standards defined by donald rumsfield.
i was briefly on the fence about the conflict as i listened to an NPR discussion about the sudden change of heart of countries like Syria, N. Korea, Iran who have spent months and months pushing the boundries with their weapons programs and demanding specific venues for negotiation like insolent children.
if countries around the world had been under the mistaken impression that the US had been weakened by 911 and that we had become a weak, indecisive and neutered nation then decided they would wreak havoc on the geopolitical landscape with their weapons programs and threats. wouldn't that mean that something should be done to show this is not the case?
so let's say, we pick a country that would benefit from our measured correction [remove evil Saddam], ensure our victory [small, sand-bound, underdefended, overfunded country that we've already had a trial run with] *and* is also able foot the inevitable bill for rebuilding the country after the conflict um, duh.]. this is of course Iraq. that seems smart right?
yeah, then i read this.
having an open mind sucks sometimes. i miss the simplicity of having an uninformed opinion.
Posted by heidijanet at 01:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 24, 2003
a conundrum
i had a troubling conversation with a friend of mine today, whose brother is a chemical weapons expert in the 101st airborne unit in iraq. who, in light of recent events in that unit, has been understandably frantic.
and she's angry with the way many are protesting the war. not because they oppose the conflict in iraq, but because their angry protests don't support the troops that are in the desert risking their lives for this country. it's incredibly difficult for them to fight this war without the support of the people.
i've heard many people say, on the news and in person, they are against the war but support our troops. but i find this a perplexing question.
how can we simultaneously show our support for the men and women in the armed forces that are risking their lives, while communicating that we don't support the decision of our president and government that sent them to iraq?
because frankly if it were my father, brother, son, or lover -- i would feel exactly the same way.
Posted by heidijanet at 09:15 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
March 18, 2003
by hook or by crook
i've had several conversations with friends on the subject of pending war in iraq and am unsettled be the idea that "of course" we'll win the war in iraq. and it won't take more than a month. if that.
i fear that some are underestimating the risk of backing a very dangerous man into a corner. in the middle of the desert no less. i'm not saying we'll lose the conflict, but i found this opinion from a retired special forces sargeant enlightening to the risks and dangers that lie ahead.
and is the timing a shocker. after all it's almost may, and we can't fight in the desert in the summer. and bush can't wait until after the summer (re-election time you know) and on top of all that bidshave already been accepted for the rebuilding of iraq. all bush campaign contributors. so of course, there's no backing out now.
with armies at his disposal to ensure his cronies interests and using the war against terrorism as an excuse for everything from war in the middle east to drilling in alaska -- who's the terrorist?
Posted by heidijanet at 10:50 PM | Comments (1)
March 11, 2003
freedom fries
now this just pisses me off.
since when is disagreement with government action unpatriotic -- and how is it that France suddenly becomes "Anti-American" simply because they are not supporting an unprovoked, poorly justified aggression in iraq?
and how in the hell is renaming french fries and french toast "freedom fries" and "freedom toast" going to encourage any cooperation?
then on top of all that, i'm sure the french don't give a shit -- they've probably been embarassed all these years that we call these poor excuses for food french in the first place.
these are grown people with very important issues at hand. can we not do better than this to gain the support of our allies? or perhaps consider the idea that they may have a point?
Posted by heidijanet at 01:08 PM | Comments (1)
March 07, 2003
Iowa or Bust!
there is a war pending in Iraq, the unemployment rate just experienced the sharpest increase since November 2001, but what i really want to know is who's coming with me to IOWA!
Posted by heidijanet at 09:42 AM | Comments (3)
March 04, 2003
disrupting the peace
you can buy it here, but not wear it here.
A lawyer was arrested late Monday and charged with trespassing at a public mall in the state of New York after refusing to take off a T-shirt advocating peace that he had just purchased at the mall.
Posted by heidijanet at 06:20 PM | Comments (1)
March 02, 2003
is there even a shortage yet?
Posted by heidijanet at 04:58 PM | Comments (0)
February 23, 2003
one less thing
almost every morning, when i check my news, email etc. i always try to take a quick looky loo at my horoscope for the day. don't get me wrong, i don't really think that horoscopes are good predictors of the day's energy however the profile for my astrological sign is freakishly dead on. but today i think i've finally had the badly timed prediction needed to set all doubts aside:
horoscope for 2/23/03 SUNDAY
Career matters could move so slowly today, dear Leo, that you just might be tempted to give up. Don't even think this way! It's just one of those days when nothing seems to go right, even though basically everything should still be going very well for you. Don't expect much progress today, and certainly don't expect anything but gloom from colleagues. Put a calendar with cartoons up on the wall so you can distract yourself with some laughs continually throughout the day!
first of all, it's sunday. secondly i got up a noon. thirdly, i find it hard to swallow that a funny bunny calendar is going to make me feel better if my career is at a standstill and my colleagues are assholes.
of course, maybe i'll stop with the yahoo horoscope and stick to rob brezny's free will astrology. even if it is bullshit, at least his are well written and cover the whole week--giving me less room to be a doubting thomas.
Posted by heidijanet at 12:47 PM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2003
shut in
i was going to do the friday five. but it was about blogs. seemed redundant.
anyway, it's valentine's day and it's been nice. everyone who has a significant other didn't come in today -- i guess they need to "celebrate" or something. so i've made it through the day in pretty good spirits.
i plan to stay home tonight, order chinese, pray for a decent movie on pay per view and cuddle with leroy. even though he snores and farts like an old man, he cuddles in the morning and promises to never leave. unless, of course, i leave the door open.
this way i also avoid all the sickening love birds roaming the streets tonight. patooey.
Posted by heidijanet at 02:41 PM | Comments (0)
February 12, 2003
not much goin on
too many days and not many entries. lately there just hasn't been that much to say. my days kind of go in and out. i go to work. then head home. have my dinner. watch a little tv. read for a few hours and then to bed.
someone asked me if i write about work. and oddly, i don't. not sure why. maybe if something really exciting or troubling happened. i don't remember my dreams these days, which is also strange.
and i don't write much about my ideas about life and little mental calisthenics etc. i find myself a little surprised by that. i'm just not as tortured or introspective as i once was. you know, the furiously scribbling down notes about my struggles with life and love and work and money and you name it. but it's just not there for me right now.
maybe when you're facing true hardship in your life, the less you mentally struggle. it's hard enough to get through the day without wasting your energy mentally thrashing about *why* something is or isn't happening. how do i really *feel* about it. and oh what am i going to *do*.
yawn.
i did that for the whole of my 20's and now that i'm coming off a string of hardships, heartbreak, financial struggles, injury, accident, and loss, it's about all i can do to just keep going without going nutso. focusing on any thing else seems like a waste of much needed energy these days.
maybe i am alone in this. but i wonder.
Posted by heidijanet at 01:38 PM | Comments (2)
February 05, 2003
you have got to be kidding
Posted by heidijanet at 02:36 PM | Comments (0)
January 08, 2003
sometimes things get easier. sometimes not.
i was hit by a car on halloween. by a drunk driver. head on. in the hospital for a week and a month confined to my bed. it was scary and it sucked. still sucks.
but i've been trying to be a good sport. upbeat. positive. not angry. made a few assumptions about the guy. you know, tried to think good things. not be angry. you know, the dalai lama says that anger is like holding a hot coal in your hand with the intention of throwing it at someone, only you get burned.
i mean it was easier to think the guy was a 33 year old guy in a red BMW. must have had a few drinks with his buddies, made the mistake of driving home and caused an accident. ended up badly injured. injured other people badly. but it was unfortunate that he should make a mistake that he will pay for with the rest of his life....
that was until i received a call from his PROBATION OFFICER. now i realize that he was an underinsured, drunk driving, drug induced criminal, violating his parole and *i* get to pay for yet another one of his dumbass mistakes for the rest of my life.
that hot coal is in my hand and i am looking to throw it. fucking asshole.
Posted by heidijanet at 08:01 PM | Comments (2)